An Open Letter to the Makers of TrailerTail®

Dear ATDynamics,

While I understand and appreciate your innovation in making tractor-trailers more fuel efficient, I must first bring a couple of things to your attention. 

While driving down I-65 last week I noticed a contraption protruding from the rear of a tractor-trailer. It was easy to tell that it was a device put in place to enhance the vehicle's aerodynamics. I found that to be pretty interesting. That is, until I read the name of the device. 

Upon seeing the words "Trailer Tail" I laughed so hard that hot coffee came spewing out of my nostrils covering the steering wheel. Let's just make a long story short and say it was an unsafe situation. While I am not a litigious person, I can tell from watching TV commercials that some people will do almost anything to get injured by a tractor-trailer. Your legal team should be made aware of this risk. 

My second problem is obviously with the name. Who took part in that focus group? With the name TrailerTail® I can only imagine a room full of truck drivers filling out a two-part questionnaire:

1. Are you a truck driver who likes to take things fast? (Answer- "Hell yes!")
2. What is the most recent Appalachian-themed pornographic movie you've seen? (Answer- "Well, technically Trailer Tail Begins was the prequel to Trailer Tail, so I guess.. all of the above??")

Still in disbelief, when I arrived home I very delicately Googled the words "Trailer Tail." I was filled with relief when I was whisked directly to ATDynamics website rather than some seedy chat room where everyone's profile picture is from before the meth lab explosion. However, when I clicked to see your additional products I found that you also market something called "Trailer Skirts." 

Now you're just messing with me. 

In closing I would just like to remind you that you're leaving behind a legacy for your grandchildren. No child should ever have to say, "My Grandpappy was behind TrailerTail®." Now go and get your heads out of your tails.

Best of luck,

Lori Wescott

NEW Awkward Smoking Pictures!!!

Luke-isms

When I started feeling poorly last week I assumed I was dealing with the same virus Luke had been battling, so I put off going to the doctor at all. A few days later he was a lot better and I was not. When Friday rolled around I knew it was time to give in.

I'm such an attentive mother that when we got out of the car at my doctor's office I was surprised to see Luke wearing pajama pants and one of my headbands. I felt badly enough that it barely registered on my care-ometer. However, the look on my face must have said enough because he immediately offered, "It keeps my hair out of my eyes."

When we walked into the office there was one other person in the waiting room. Luke couldn't handle the silence.

"So my name is Wucas, also known as Wuke. This is my Mom. She's name is Wori. She has a sore froat and diarrhea, so that's pretty gross."

I went from wanting to die, to wondering if I already had and gone to hell. Luke was quickly given a blue raspberry Slush Puppy from the receptionist, so that kept him quiet for a little while. By the way, if your doctor's office doesn't have a free Slush Puppy machine, then you need to change providers.

An Update From Your Friendly Neighborhood Martyr

You'll be happy to know that Luke is feeling better from the viral torticollis he developed over the weekend. If you haven't read about it yet, then grab some Kleenex. It's a real tear jerker. 

It wasn't enough that I had to relinquish my Tempur-Pedic neck pillow to him, but he added insult to injury when he asked me today, "Am I your favorite grandson?" and "Back when you were a kid did people drink chicken juice?"

I answered, "No," to both. 

What a punk. He's going to have to learn NOT to insult the person in charge of giving him neck massages.

Warrior Moms: What Makes Us and Breaks Us

Yesterday I encountered a scary mommy moment.

Luke (4) had been battling an asthma flare-up for several days. My husband, Brantley and I had been giving him breathing treatments every four-hours in addition to the two steroids he had been placed on.

His symptoms had begun to improve until yesterday morning around 9am when he complained of a headache. By ten o'clock the pain had spread to his neck, which had quickly become so stiff that he was unable to turn his head.

I called the pediatrician who we had seen last week when the asthma flare-up started. He told us to go to the Children's hospital emergency room so Luke could be examined. He was going to call ahead and let them know we were coming.

After a thorough exam, the attending physician, Dr. Arnold explained that Luke didn't have meningitis, but a condition that caused inflammation and spasm of the neck muscles. This condition, torticollis, was actually caused by the viral upper respiratory infection that he'd been battling.

Our instructions for treating this was to alternate Tylenol and Motrin and to massage the muscles of his neck to help them to relax. Otherwise, his neck would stiffen back up, drawing his left ear over to his shoulder.

Brantley and I breathed a sigh of relief and we headed home with our little patient.

We prepared for a day of rest and relaxation for Luke. Brantley heated up his favorite blankets in the dryer while I got his favorite Scooby Doo videos to watch in bed. I gently rubbed Luke's neck, which he didn't like at all because the spasming muscles made it painful. I hated having to do something that increased his pain, but I knew that it would help in the long-term.

"Mom, can I use your Tempur-pedic pillow?" Luke asked.

"Bitches be trippin," I thought to myself as I grabbed my Tempur-Pedic pillow and held it tightly to my chest.

Yes, he was under the weather, but had he really just asked if he could use my Tempur-Pedic neck therapy pillow, aka The Precious?

"Here Puddin' Pop, why don't you try one of your Dad's really soft..."

"Lori," Brantley interrupted. "You've got to be kidding me! Give him that pillow," he said through gritted teeth.

"I was just warming it up," I lied as I relented and allowed the marshmallowy softness to be taken from my tight grasp. "Anything for my boy."

As I sit here this morning with a crick in my neck from sleeping on a standard pillow, I want to hear YOUR story. You know you have one.

When was the last time you offered to walk to the end of the earth for someone, only to later realize that the end of the earth was really far away and you didn't have on comfortable shoes?

I want to hear about it. No judgement. I'm kidding, of course. I will totally judge you. We are humans, after all and we LIVE for shit like this. Go on and share. Make me feel better by comparison.

PS: Luke feels better today. The range of motion in his neck is greatly improved, blah, blah, blah.

Six-Week Wrap Up (With Lots of Pictures)

Aside from the vlog I posted last week that started out as a coconut oil tutorial, but crossed over into talking to your kids about sex and things I'm not good at,  I've been a little absent lately.

Why?

The last six weeks have been such a whirlwind with out of town weddings, conferences, Classroom Mom duties, and birthday parties that I'm lucky I didn't show up for Bloggy Boot Camp in Charlotte wearing a bridesmaid dress and holding a tray of cookies. Add to that, my husband starting a new job and presto- lots of chaos with very little time for writing.

All of the destinations were great. Goals were met. People got married. Cookies were eaten, and most importantly school is out! However, I wouldn't be true to myself if I left out the adventures I encountered to and from one of these events. 

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the Atlanta airport with their unexpected five hour delays, or how my Delta flight home departed without thirty-one (31!) people bound for Nashville??

I barely cried at all. If it wasn't for the sheer entertainment in people watching I may not have survived. 

Another blog worthy detail would be have to be the WWII veteran who was also flying standby to Nashville. I know he was a WWII and Korean War veteran not only because he told me, but also because it was written on his cap. 

This precious little man shouted, "Speak English dammit!" and quietly threatened to break the legs of one of the gate attendants when she told us that we wouldn't be making yet ANOTHER flight home to Nashville. The General then got on his phone and started shouting to someone on the other end about getting clearance to land, and having gout. He then slammed his giant flip phone shut as he exclaimed, "My buddy is going to call me right back. He has a plane and I think he can come and get us."

Thankfully, we were all on the very next flight out. I was not looking forward to having to tell the General, "While I really appreciate your service I am NOT getting on your friend's plane."

In more recent news, I put on my nurse's cap and worked a shift over the weekend, as I still do from time-to-time. However, this shift lasted seventeen-hours and was unlike any other I'd ever experienced in terms of hellishness. If I had it to do over I think I would rather be water-boarded. It took a couple of days to recover and I have yet to stop whining/bragging about it. I will most likely continue until someone throws me a sweet-17 party and my Mom documents it in my baby book.

If you've managed to stay with me through this various and sundry blog post, then congratulations. You probably don't have adult ADD.

Consider yourselves officially caught up on all things palooza related.

Now, take your dry hair over to my coconut oil vlog and learn how to get pretty. Yes, it's ten minutes long, but once you get past me opening the jar it really gets captivating.

Coconut Oil Conditioning: A Tutorial

For another coconut oil experiment click on over to Lipstick Makes Everything Better where Arden Elizabeth shares her own trials and tribulations with the coconut oil trend. 

Everybody's doing it.